![]() ![]() We have to think about what our role should be with our kids, what we desire their life to be like, and then view ourselves as responsible for getting them there. Reality is, if we want our children to self-regulate, it is up to us to guide them into knowing how to do that. Some of the scariest people on earth are out-of-control kindergartners. ![]() By the time a child gets to kindergarten, if she’s had no training in self-regulation, if she’s never heard “no” as a word that helps steer her in a wise direction, brace for a rough year. My response to the theory of never saying no is that the only way a child will really understand what yes means is if you also teach her what no means. The class fell silent as every eye was trained on me in disapproval. One particular day I raised my hand in class and expressed the opinion that if a child never hears no, he likely will never truly understand yes – both fundamental, real life concepts. I had struggled countless times with the question, “What should I do now?” when faced with a question on how to guide a child of mine. For me, the topic under discussion was not theoretical it was couched in absolute reality. At the time, I was 10-20 years older than my classmates, and had reared two children. In grad school we were taught to never say no - about how damaging it is to the child to hear a negative word like that one. As frightening as it may be, it falls to us as parents to model, and guide, and shape them into competent, confident people. They have to be guided into thinking about things outside of themselves, such as other people, consequences to choices, etc. Their world is very narrowly about them in the here and now. If they want something, they will take it, or cry until they get it. ![]() Young children quite simply act out of their emotions. Why? Because a child does not come with emotional intelligence prepackaged inside her like a little seed just waiting for the appropriate time to begin to germinate and grow. No one was having fun the system was not working. It was not a happy time for anyone-not me, not the parents, not the children in question. By the time my own children were grown, I found myself working with parents and children where frequently the child was clearly calling the shots. My views were already pretty formed before it got to be really popular to let the child take the lead in her own upbringing. While I was shaped from birth by my parents and other adults in my life, another factor that contributes to my point of view is my age. The book resonated with me because of my beliefs on rearing children. Because emotional intelligence isn't fixed at birth, Goleman outlines how adults, as well as parents of young children, can sow the seeds.” It doesn’t come prepackaged People who possess high emotional intelligence are the people who truly succeed in work as well as play, building flourishing careers and lasting, meaningful relationships. He defines emotional intelligence in terms of self-awareness, altruism, personal motivation, empathy, and the ability to love and be loved by friends, partners, and family members. Instead, Goleman makes the case for "emotional intelligence" being the strongest indicator of human success. In this fascinating book, based on brain and behavioral research, Daniel Goleman argues that our IQ-idolizing view of intelligence is far too narrow. “There was a time when IQ was considered the leading determinant of success. Read the following book review from Amazon: That notion’s been around for a whileĪ decade ago I read and thoroughly enjoyed Daniel Goleman’s (1995) book Emotional Intelligence. While all these skills make for a socially adept person, those same skills take a child far in the classroom as well. Both require the ability to go beyond what our emotions dictate at that moment, pause to think through the situation, visualize outcomes of either this choice or that one, and then to delay gratification long enough to see a desired outcome materialize. That’s all it is? Self-regulation? Years ago, we said “self-control” in reference to something quite similar. ![]() When I heard the answer, I was speechless. Recently, I have been hearing people talk a lot about executive function, and to tell the truth, several months ago I had to ask to what they referred. Part of me was silently yelling HUZZAH and the other part was sad and horrified. Seems lately I’ve been getting my brain fizzes from reading what others are saying in the newspaper. ![]()
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